My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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