Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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