Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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