I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
