Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
