i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
