before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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