the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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