In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
His nipple licking is glorious
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