Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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