I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
