We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
