i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
