Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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