The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
