Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
