How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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