he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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