last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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