When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
