"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
