i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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