nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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