He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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