So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
