Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
