Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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