um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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