Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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