Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
