Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
