i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
