Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
