i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
