Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
