"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
