Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
