I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I could fuck to npr.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
