I wish I could punch you in the face.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
