I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
