I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
