Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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