Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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