so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
