I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
