We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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