I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
