he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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