My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
