i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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