She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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