You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
just found out that she named her cat after me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
