sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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