Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
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fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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