After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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