My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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