i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
