Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
