So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
