You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
