i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
