I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
