i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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