i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
